Ho ho how do i not go off the deep end

Things got a bit dark there after loosing my bestfriend. Still breakdown crying when i realize i cant talk to her, or when i hear a song we use to love. She was ready to go but i wasnt.
This year has had so many bumps, terrible pregnancy, loss of two grandmas, my first adult pet passed, my oldest childhood pet passed, ive had medical issues from said pregnancy as well as my baby having her own set of issues, covid, my FIL dating my grandma, my brother unintentionally niglecting my nephew, and my mental health is something ive always had to work on. Just a lot.

BUT
I am determined to spread the holiday cheer, cry when my girls are asleep, bake so many bad things, and try to be more compassionate to what others are gping through. Decorating for the holiays used to be my favorite. This one is so bittersweet. Im so excited for my SOs gifts and we went all out of the girls.

I may have a lump in my throat and emptiness in my chest, but my family deserves a bit of cheer.

Happy holidays everyone, dont take the people you love for granted. One day they might not be there.

ALSO get fn vaxxed, my bestie had severe medical issues and couldnt get the shot. I was with her when she heard she tested positive and she knew she wasnt going to make it. Take care of those around you.

Edit: i am not suicidal thankfully. My dads bestie took his life when i was young and it messed my dad up BAD. This kept me from the egde. I also know me being gone isnt going to benefit anyone, not even myself.
Also this is more theraputic than trying to verbally talk about it without absolutely falling apart.