rvt4life
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More and more, I'm starting to realize my bf may have ADHD. We've been together almost 8 years now, and we have a 2 year old son. He is not the type to seek therapy and honestly thinks it's a sham. I have gone to therapy and have been diagnosed with moderate depression and severe anxiety.
I have been reading up on ADHD and it almost hits the nail on the head with all if my bfs symptoms, constantly forgetting things no matter how many times I've reminded him, always late (to work, to get home, to events). He expresses his emotions very intensly, and it's usually aggression. I don't ever feel like he listens to me or hears what I say. And he doesn't take much of the "load" or "lead" in our responsibilities.
We had a huge fight recently, and I'm at a loss on what to do. I'm exhausted. I'm always being the one "in charge" of everything, especially now having a child. I am a part-time employee, part-time student, and I do most things at home. I have read a few articles, and I'm realizing how many mistakes I've made in handling things with him. I do the "parent/child" communication, I always tell him, "Why can't you just remember these things?" I allow myself to do most of the daily tasks, if not all.
I have done almost everything wrong in dealing with what I think are his ADHD symptoms. And now I'm also mentally fucked!
If you've read this far, and you've gone through similar situations, being the ADHD or non-ADHD partner, how do you do this? I don't want to lose my family, and it genuinely feels like I just want to give up trying.
*Most Viral! You guys are honestly so helpful and I am sorry I have not been able to respond to everyone, as I said previously I have a 2 year old and a lot to figure out right now. But thank you so much for the advice, for the insight and for the kind words. I am hoping for the best. And I will do whatever I can in my son's and my best interest.
shakefu
Look. Some of that might be ADHD. But I also know guys with super bad ADHD who try their best. His behavior sounds like he has mommy issues and just wants you to take care of him. He needs help or you just get to decide this is something you can shoulder (or not).
BigTittyGothKitty
As someone with untreated ADHD, the memory loss is probably the most frustrating part of it. I feel like Im always trying to think past a wall of fog and it fucking sucks. Once I am able to afford it, I will be getting treatment for it because I can't live like this anymore. I hope things get better for you, OP.
PointlessNips
Haver of ADHD here. ADHD isn't the issue, it's his refusal to do anything about it. There's a difference between excusing bad behavior and being understanding while someone tries to improve. Being in a relationship with somebody with ADHD is difficult enough even when they're willing to get help. Honestly if there's nothing actually tying you there go somewhere else. I repeat the issue is his unwillingness to be better or get help.
TheRealDale
If he has a smartphone, use the reminder app to set reminders for him.
myrealnames
As an husband with an ADHD diagnosis for over 30 years, electronic reminders are very helpful. That said, it needs to be something he is on board with. Better still if he sets the reminders (probably with your neutral prompts). As much as we may need to be told what we need to do at times, giving orders is counterproductive, and can exacerbate conflict.
literorrery
My spouse is ADHD; I'm autistic. We work together at recognizing each of us has the potential for emotional volitility and we work to mitigate each other's triggers. We've been together twenty-four years and I hope every day for more to come.
Calicious
There is a huge difference between supporting your partner's needs and enabling their harmful behavior, but that line can be hard to see when our loved ones aren't willing to help work on a solution. If he won't help, you need to make a decision on where that line is and stick to it - even if that means leaving. If he disagrees then he can make an effort to help redraw that line. Medication certainly helps ADHD, but the primary fix is making a conscious effort to manage it.
Jenvas
I'm in my 30s now and finally gettting better with my ADHD, mainly cause I'm working out how things can work for me how I actually am and not just try to not have ADHD anymore. ADHD is very underdiagnosed while it's probably the most treatable neurodivergence!
iguessihaveto
Also get his vitamin D checked. It's a common deficiency, the symptoms mirror and exacerbate ADHD symptoms, plus the aggression sometimes, it's easy to get checked and the vitamins are cheap and effective, and no real side effects without an overdose. Untreated it's painful because it really just looks like laziness but it also hurts to move. If he's unwilling to see a doctor for it I'd ask if he'd just be willing to try the 5000 iu vitamin. You'll know within a week if it works, it's dramatic.
iguessihaveto
By no means implying that he doesn't also have ADHD, btw, but if he has both the ADHD symptoms will kind of mask the deficiency symptoms. It won't fix him as a person if he does need D, but he might get to a point where he's capable of thinking things over more clearly. I can't emphasize enough how bad it messes with your brain.
NickRivieraMD
this...doesn't fit the described issue.
sapphsquatch
You can't take full responsibility for this. You might have enabled his bad behavior, but he's still a grown ass adult. I have an ADHD diagnosis and I take responsibility for my behavior in my relationship. If he's not willing to discuss it, seek help and bear his fair share of the burden, you might need to cut him loose before you lose yourself. My parents were entirely incompatible, and as the oldest, I saw and had to explain the constant splits, separations and fights to my siblings, >
sapphsquatch
> despite also being a child. Sometimes 'trying to make it work' doesn't help anyone. You may not want to lose your family, but he's not being an active partner in it.
CloudyNine
Have you read "Healing ADD"? It helped me understand my condition when no one in my family knew what to even do with that diagnosis. It took a lot of time, money and energy w meds, therapy and determination to improve and set good habits that will help me. But if I didn't have the love, understanding and support of my family It would have been harder for me. I'm so blessed they encouraged me to take my meds and get professional help. I found a great counselor that specialized in it too.
Lontri
I have ADHD, got diagnosed as an adult. Even with therapy and medication, there will still be issues, but it's always possible to try to figure out systems that make things easier. Like, I lose all important papers, so my bills go straight into my online bank. I'm not good at putting away clean and dry laundry, so I put socks and undies into a large shopping bag, and then I'll sit down and sort them out one day. Trash bins next to places where mess keeps happening. Accomodations are important
Lontri
Also, you need to get him to figure out that he has ADHD. I realized at some point that before I had figured out that I have ADHD, some people had asked if I have it, because they had it and they saw it in me, and I was like "me? ADHD? lol nope!" Because I didn't know what it really meant, I just knew the stereotype. I figured out based on a magazine article 11 years ago, and I still remember how mind-blown I was in that moment. Life finally made sense!
Lontri
But yea, it doesn't feel good when other people nag about the difficulties. Like, if keeping my surroundings clean was easy to me, I'd keep my home nice and tidy. I still try as much as I can, but sometimes I fail. The diagnosis and understanding ADHD has made me more gentle towards myself though, I won't punish myself for failing at daily things anymore. Tbh the diagnosis cured my depression. Tbh at the moment my home is a horrible mess, and I want to clean it up, but it's so hard sometimes.
Lontri
I've been single for 8 years. I feel like now that I'm trying to unlearn masking, it's harder to find somebody, because i put my comfort first; I won't try to pretend to be neurotypical, just to fit in. But, I think I've rambled more than enough. There's lots of good ADHD YouTubers, even one couple where the woman has ADHD and the guy doesn't, and those people have lots of good tips and tricks.
WitchCityHound
Anger and aggression are often symptoms of depression in men who are not "modern" in their emotional understanding and more embrace the classic toxic masculinity we were all expected to live up to decades ago.
Eomund521
Not sure if it makes a difference. But those are also all symptoms of someone on the spectrum as well.
TheManWhoStaresAtTurtles
There's a not-insignificant amount of crossover on the front end of things, which is why both types are referred to as neurodivergence. Moreover, you can typify as both; I'm certainly ADHD, and somewhat suspect I have some slightly more autistic traits as well. My wife (a therapist who specializes in ADHD), is only ADHD herself.
happyrabbitzz
So you are taking care of two toddlers? This may seem harsh, but he's choosing some of his negative behavior. May be time to reconsider...
JoeyJoeJosephsonFromJosephsTown
What you describe could be ADHD but isn't necessarily ADHD. As a recently diagnosed adult ADHD Brained person with my own relationship issues, I think you are amazing for looking things up and finding out that the ways you've been trying to get your BF to change/behave are the wrong ways to help ADHD brained people. You are already 10 steps ahead. You seem like you want to do the right things. And you want to understand your partner. Him understanding himself is the next step.
rvt4life
Thank you for this comment, I am in tears because I truly am trying my best but I don't think he's willing to try his best in seeing my side. And honestly I can't give much more. I'm doing what I can. But thank you.
WitchIrkalla
I have ADHD and have been in a long term relationship. Here's my 2 cents advice. Break a task into multiple parts. Ask him to fold laundry if he can't manage to do the whole laundry. Give him a day of the week that is chore day. "Hey it's friday, do the bathrooms and vacuum." try this and you'll see a huge improvement in his capabilities.
TheLocalOrganHarvester
I had a very serious boyfriend with ADHD. He was diagnosed but refused medication or therapy because it “changed him.” We broke up because he wouldn’t/couldn’t listen to me. I had to break up with him several times because he didn’t listen to me when I broke up with him. He’s not a bad person and we still talk, but he wasn’t safe to have kids with. He’d forget the stove was on or accidentally lock a cat in a room and forget. I wanted an equal partner, not someone else to take care of too.
hiiamluciole
i was diagnosed last year, 47 years old. I am now under medication and yes, it changed me. i have 4 kids (and 2 have adhd) and now i feel obligated to take my meds because i get much more done in a day for my family. and i love them with all my heart but part of me can't wait to have no laundry/sport events/doctor appointments any more because then, i ll stop my meds and i will get my inner world back, full of colors, sounds, stories ... i'll probably forget to eat and sleep, like before but
hiiamluciole
i'll get my creativity back. if what i feel when i am under meds is typical neurotypical, then let me tell you that your world sucks ! in 6 years and 10 months, i ll stop and yes, i will have more mood swings (compared to now) but at least things will get intense again and i ll feel alive again.
madguy50
My father has hyper-active ADHD and he responds to every stimulus with anger and aggression. He does not believe in medication even if his oncologist asked him to follow the psych's prescriptions. He has destroyed everything he has worked for in this chase for money when all he had to do was focus on his existing revenue streams. All we can do is hope he eats food and rests enough. But that is something we cannot guarantee. Good luck take care of yourself to keep the little one secure.
hufflesnuff
I'm gonna say something different. Won't be popular in English. You may not like it. But ADHD is basically not a thing in France. Certainly not something they prescribe speed for like in America where everyone gets amphetamines for it if they got to therapy. I can't tell you to break up or not. But I can say, speed may not be the answer, and speed will be the only answer American shrinks provide if your diagnosis is right. Godspeed, and God Bless. But I think pills may not be the answer.
AliceMadhat
It doesn't have to be the ADHD that keeps him from helping. I have ADHD and I still take care of the chores and plans. Honestly it isn't running smoothly, but it is still running.
StudioDerpster
"Is it You, Me or ADHD" good book.
DrJakeHerb
My partner has ADHD and I have really bad anxiety and what we work on is just structure. We have a chore chart in the living room as well as a daily goals chart. She struggles with being late a lot so at night we will lay out our clothes for the next day as well as prep any things we need for the next day (lunch, work bag, etc…) I’d also say just do your best to be patient with your partner while trying to make sure they stay accountable for their actions. Hope this helps!
WorksInHotelDoesntTravel
We do this as well! Someone recently introduced us to using baskets for activities as well. We have a small kid under 5 and have a basket for soccer, one for swim, one for daycare, and recently added one for my work. When things are done for the day or after going through the wash (soccer uniform) it goes straight to the basket.
AngryRogueMage
You can't help someone that doesn't want help. It's a heartbreaking lesson to learn.
fartharder
Good news then, as an executive dysfunction disorder ADHD doesn't care if you WANT to.
SilverFoxChaser
Older ADHD sufferer here. I've had to go though 'found out' enough times to learn that you just 'have to' do things. However works to keep your shit in order. Write things down immediately, plans, notes, dates, appointments, bills. EVERYTHING. Set alarms. Several alarms. for any appointment I set 6 alarms up to a week in advance, even for garbage days. 1/
SkamanSam
Right now, my wife has taken on a huge load at work and can't do those things around the house that she used to. I have (partially u diagnosed) adhd and am having to pick up tge slack. Working from home helps a shitload cuz I get a lot if it done when I'm walking around the house. When I make lunch or snack, I un/load the dishwasher or sweep or clean the kitchen. When I go to the bathroom and see things are dirty, I clean them. I'm actually using my adhd "randomness" to do things.
hiiamluciole
yes ! same here. the sad part is you get no satisfaction by the end of the day become you have done a thousand tiny things but no actual * work * on The Main Thing You Had To Do Today because you just couldn't start
WorksInHotelDoesntTravel
I second the alarms/reminders! I use Siri and Alexa for reminders all the time because I can sometimes start to set an outlook or google calendar item and forget what I’m doing. I like to call it my squirrel or goldfish brain. :) Technology can be your best friend if you learn how to best utilize it.
SilverFoxChaser
/2 Do one thing at a time. This is super important. ADHD usually comes with Hyperfocus which CAN be trained to be used for 'good'. He'll probably never be 'normal' but he can get better at keeping his shit together. If nothing else for the kid.
TripUpStairs
SilverFoxChaser
https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/ss/slideshow-adhd-hyperfocus-tips
UncleTwistyFresh
Hi. I'm a thirty one year old sufferer of ADHD. I've been married for almost ten years. Have a very stable relationship. And I am the proud father of a five year old who likely also has ADHD. To start off the name of it is awful. What it actually is is an Executive Function Disorder. Your boyfriend will never be normal and that is an intensely frightening thing to come to terms with on his end. ADHD cannot be coped with to mitigate all of its effects. He will have to take some form of
TheManWhoStaresAtTurtles
I dunno, my wife and I (both 30s, ADHD, she's a therapist who specializes in it) never minded the name. It affects executive functioning, but a large number of disorders happen to have disordered executive function as a part of their pathology. ADHD is neurodevelopmental in nature, meaning most broadly that we're wired differently -- it's why ADHD tends to come with some certain upsides as well.
UncleTwistyFresh
Medication for the rest of his life. This is really scary to come to grips with if he doesn't already take meds for it. I was raised knowing this and still went through a part of my life where I rejected it all. The first thing you need to understand is that you have to decide what you can tolerate and deal with. Some of these things are ALWAYS going to be present. A certain amount of lock of impulse control or emotional regulation, as well as terrible organization. This disease effects
UncleTwistyFresh
Everyone who has it differently. And it's expressed differently even day by day. His first steps should be getting a referral, seeing a specialist, and getting a diagnosis to start medical treatment to help him live his life better. But that's not your responsibility. Yours is simply to ask what you're willing to put up with for your relationship. What's not all that bad and tolerable. We all have our faults. We work with our loved ones to combat the problems we face, not against the loved one.
UncleTwistyFresh
My heart aches for both you and him. It's rough to love someone with this as it is so often downplayed and undercut. That it's not a serious and life altering thing. But it is. Have a serious heart to heart with him about this and try and work through it with him. If he doesn't want to that's his choice just like you can make the choice to not have to deal with it. If you have any questions at all dm me. I'll answer whatever you'd like to know and I hope even a single sentence helps.
alwaysthecheesegrater
There are many overlapping ADHD and autism symptoms. Aggression and not controlling emotions is NOT ADHD. However, as someone with ADHD, I genuinely do feel bad for my husband sometimes. I will always forget and lose things, I'll never be on time, and it's near impossible to get me motivated to do something im not interested in. We adapt. My husband always picks up the slack and I love him for it.
ourari
https://www.additudemag.com/desr-adhd-emotional-regulation/
Lontri
Emotional dysregulation is one of the many ADHD symptoms (and at least for me, stimulant meds have helped a lot with it, because apparently they suppress feelings a bit). The thing in our brains that control our emotional responses is basically underdeveloped, which makes it harder for us to control emotions. That's why whe often cry easily, or why we laugh so hard, why we get so damn excited about things, why we get easily frustrated, and why we get so fucking pissed off so fast.
kramorp
ADHD sufferer here and yes, aggression is very difficult to control. It has gotten better now that I know where it's coming from and can cope with it, but it was rough when I was younger. Sadness is also a big one for me, I can tear up at the drop of a hat.
soniclettuce
What. It's literally a classic ADHD symptom.
Skawomplious
Aggression and not controlling emotions can absolutely stem from ADHD and his frustration with it, whether he knows that he's ADHD or not.
avileniacapulumchva
None of the symptoms OP describes are typical for autism.
ourari
You may want to look up ADHD and 'emotional dysregulation' or 'emotional regulation'. You may have a handle on your emotions, but that does not mean the same goes for all others who suffer from ADHD.
RunawaySpoons
This. And when people have big feelings they don't understand, especially when those are overwhelming, it usually comes out as anger.
alwaysthecheesegrater
I might be wrong in thinking this but, while ADHD is stressful due to SO MANY factors, not being able to regulate emotions *to the point of AGGRESSION* towards your partner sounds like there's something else on their playing field as well.
alwaysthecheesegrater
TBH I've been diagnosed and medicated for about 15 years and between that and my depression I don't want to think about the "time before". It wasn't awesome. Maybe I'm just out of touch with those feelings.
ourari
OP doesn't define the aggression, so we're all filling that void with our own individual ideas. It could just be OP's perception. It could be ADHD. It could be something else. Disorders rarely travel alone, so the playing field might indeed be crowded. If it's ADHD, it might be an expression of the frustration that comes with going through adult life while undiagnosed and untreated.
ourari
From Dr. Russell Barkley's book Taking Charge of Adult ADHD (2nd edition)![]()
goodbyeitwasfunwhileitlasted
Show him the symptoms, and show him examples of how he fits them. Then, it'll be up to him to go to a doctor and get a diagnosis. If he's willing to do that and it helps, that's a good first step. If it doesn't help, at least you both tried and you can cross something off the list of problems to look into. If he's not willing to do that, that's a big red flag that the situation isn't likely to improve.
Ronelyn
"This isn't a shameful thing or a flaw. It's just how your brain works. It has upsides and downsides. I'm not trying to punish you, just to find us some strategies that will help us BOTH be happier. I love you and I love being around you. I just need some help here." *hugs* Hang in, hon. Be honest and kind. The rest is in his hands.
rvt4life
That is my plan, but we are just so in the thick of it right now that I'm just keeping quite and avoiding this at the moment.
MoralRectifier
I would also make sure he understands what's at stake. His behaviors aren't likely to result in a good long term relationship for you. He needs to take it seriously.
sailorjurai108
Communication is key. Bottling up is clearly negatively impacting you. If you don’t feel you can say it directly to him without him going in the defensive maybe try writing it down. For yourself. Then re-write calmer & less emotional & give it to him and try to schedule a time to talk it over?
rvt4life
This is very helpful because I do express myself over emotionally and I know that's not ok. I just hate that it just feels like a constant issue and it frustrates me. But that is a great way to do it. Thank you
Cucumbawumba
Phrase it as wanting to know so you can have a better marriage together, not to attack/blame him. My diagnosis this year has helped greatly with how my husband and I handle fights. Meds quiet my brain and it's easier to work through my emotional whiplash and anxiety, and CBT gives me knowledge on why I react certain ways and how to walk through it. Lots of men don't like talk therapy cuz they don't articulate feelings as easily so maybe focus on therapist that focuses on men's issues too.
CelestialSea
So, something I've discovered is that ADD/ADHD often turns into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in adults. I too rejected psychological help, because deep down I think I always knew it was physiological. Anyhow, there are meds that can help significantly, but only if he looks into it and seeks treatment. There are plenty of resources for CFS/ME online. Feel free to DM me if you want to know more.
DCPrime
It’s ridiculously good to hear this. I’m in my early 40s, have ADD/ADHD and was recently diagnosed with CFS. I didn’t make the connection at all, but it makes sooo much sense! Out of curiosity, what are the best resources you’ve found for CFS?
CelestialSea
TBH I haven't been keeping up much lately. Messy divorce is keeping me sidelined (ex is a narcissist). Reddit is okay, but the mods are assholes, I got kicked out for suggesting that the stigma around CFS is worse for men than women (apparently that makes me a misogynist). I've found LDN (low-dose naltraxone) very helpful and a lowish dose of metformin helps a bit too.
DCPrime
Thanks for the suggestions, and sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time right now.
Kyzyl
Your boyfriend is not his diagnosis. He is still responsible for his actions. Therapy and medication can help, but won't make him a different person.
GuyPilot
I got treated for ADHD, successfully. I'm a different person. Mood, memory, temperament, all different now. Life is much easier now
Imakeplanstobreakplans
While this is a nice statement it isn’t true with adhd; when I’m off my medication the smallest thing can cause me to stim. When I’m on my medication I’m completely different.
drbloodbathmc
ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse.
MeestowKitty
This is one of the few issues I disagree on. He isn't his diagnosis, but ADHD is not like depression or anxiety. You're responsible for your actions and their fallout, but more in the way as someone with Bi-Polar or Schizophrenia would be. You have a brain chemistry shift with ADHD, your whole brain works differently from a neurotypical person's. So in the moment, with the heat on, you're not thinking straight or clearly. So some leeway is needed that might normally be above the norm.
Roboman0516
I slightly disagree. I was undiagnosed, had 0 drive, sat on the couch after work and played xbox all day, didn't care about having a mess, and wasn't very helpful. I got heavy and had high blood pressure, when I went to the dentist they wouldn't work on me and told me to go to a Dr asap because of my blood pressure. I went to the Dr. Got on meds and got my BP and cholesterol under control, did therepy for 6 moths, lost 70 lbs, I do most of the house work on top of working 10 hour days,
Roboman0516
I cook really good meals, I started woodworking, and started an etsy store. I feel like I am 100% a different person after I got on medication for ADHD. Also learning about how affected me helped. But the medication helps me remember things, it keeps me focused and driven. It really just makes me feel like j can actually give a fuck, and it is amazing. I hated who I was, but I just couldn't get myself to focus and care enough.
potshot
Depends on the severity. ADHD can severely affect your ability to properly modulate your behavior. A person in a wheelchair will have huge difficulties with stairs no matter how much they want to go up them, and ADHD patients can have huge difficulty in taking responsibility for their actions no matter how much they want to.
Edwardsexhands
This
savegamehenge
THIS
[deleted]
[deleted]
sbtge
And the bf isn't wrong for being skeptical or even dismissive of therapy if the therapist isn't familiar with ADHD, it's very uncommon to find one who has a record of success because the priority inversion that occurs with the condition is often misunderstood and undermines consistency. That said, self-care tools and task gamification apps like Finch and HabitRPG have been a big help but they require some level of collaboration with a trusted friend/family member/partner to make progress.
sbtge
(3/3) There are also resources like Goblin Tools that help with tracking to-do's that fall outside of routine tasks that might better be covered by HabitRPG. Two other tips for ADHD-ers that've made a world of difference are morning exercise (and plenty of water) for regulating the dopamine cycle, and to automate alerts as much as they can over as many different mediums as possible (email, calendar, apps, text, voicemail bots, alarms, wakeup reminders, etc.) it takes some effort to make it work.
sbtge
if any of the jargon here seems confusing, google is your friend. peace
GreatOdinsTaint
85% of people with ADHD are unemployed? Do you have a source for that?
kestryll
It’s 30-40% per multiple studies on NCIB, etc. Not 85%…. And a 17% lower average pay that non neurodivergent folks.
forreference
Sounds suss
ADDGirl
Medication makes me a completely different person. I'm employable when I'm medicated.
detectivekagami
My partner is full ADD and can’t face the hill/task list of making his own appointments since every spoon he’s got goes into taking care of his mom. It’s tough to help him when I don’t know how much to interfere beyond being supportive, and he really wants to get back into the workforce.
ADDGirl
That's rough. I'm a nurse and I completely understand the burnout from taking care of others. Have you offered to make his appointment for him? I say it doesn't hurt to ask.
rvt4life
I'm just left feeling like if throughout these 8 years I've "trained" him to care that much less.
liamwayne101
That would be fair, if he were a pet or lacking rational thought. Communication defines the relationship. If he's not willing to try and talk with you, that's not fair to you, nor is it a healthy relationship model to imprint onto your child. Don't put his actions on yourself or take then personally (hard, I know). But try have a conversation, a real conversation about the future. Calmly and acceptingly. Goals and feelings often need course corrections as we strive to move forward.
dogboybastard
I am sorry you feel that way. You didn't train him, you enabled him. Most of what you describe isn't ADHD. People can have untreated ADHD (I do) and not be a shitty partner or parent.
mrthewhitee
He's a grown ass man, not a dog. It's also his responsibility to recognize if someone is enabling his own bad behavior and seek to correct that situation himself. Should you have done the same? Maybe, but there are two people in this relationship.
BiologicallyHazardousMaterial
you arent at fault. my fiance just got adhd diagnosis & ive been diagnosed since 7, we are a fucking handful especially without meds & therapy. its not your responsibility to treat his disorder.
SarcasticComment
as someone with ADHD, you're going to have to be direct and honest. Speak to a doctor, try medication, or this is falling apart. Saying no is him making the choice to let things fall apart. Numerous relationships fail because someone won't help themselves.
LuminoZero
He is not your responsibility. He is your PARTNER, not your child.
bedframe
ADHD here. Either he'll be open to treatment, and you'll stay (at least for a while to see house or goes) or he won't, and you'll leave. That's the only math. ADHD is one of the few things where after diagnosis you go to the pharmacy in the morning and they give you a medication that's working an hour later. There's no excuse here. If he won't get treated, you and your child deserve better.
JustFeedMePieDammit
Also, it’s real easy to “untrain” someone with ADHD so you haven’t screwed your self too badly :)
Progen1tus
I spent 8 years with someone who was borderline and she always hated taking medication or doing therapy. I always used her illness as an excuse for her actions but it got to a point where I had to realize that it's was also just who she was. And if someone refuses therapy or medication to help themselves then that is them. Not their illness. I do understand how hard it can be especially when they are aggressive. Talk to him if you can but you also need to think about what's best for your child.
broloftheviking
I have ADHD. It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't have ADHD, particularly if he would refuse treatment. What would it change if he does get diagnosed? Afterwards he would still have behaviors that you can no longer deal with. You do not need to modify the way you want to live your life to accommodate him if you do not want to. This is the important part: Tell him how you're feeling, and ask him if he would want to try changing those behaviors. If he does, you can work on that together.
broloftheviking
Without his buy in there will never be any change, and whether those behaviors are caused by ADHD, or by other things, he needs to want to change them. If he is trying as well as he can, but can't help it, then that's one thing. If he just considers those things part of how he is and has no interest in changing, that's a different thing. You need to know where he is first. After all is said and done though, it's okay to not feel the relationship is worth what you're putting into maintaining it.
Kyzyl
Is he open to adult conversations about the subject?
rvt4life
I've mentioned it before but I didn't go deep into because I didn't know anything about it, I hadn't looked into it as much as I have now. He said he might have it bug just shrugged/laughed it off.
RadonGaming
Do you need a diagnosis/label to identify key areas of behavioural concern? Does it require naming in order to discuss these behaviours, their impact, and find strategies to help resolve those issues?
bedframe
As someone with mental illness, yes. Those names are the only shot this scattered partner has to get their brain working decently. Otherwise they're just outwardly an irresponsible childish jerk forever. No one can make anyone do anything. The names give him at least an avenue for change. It's not op's job to continue trying to work on things he's not neurologically capable of doing without treatment.
JustFeedMePieDammit
There’s a YouTube channel called How To ADHD which has given me a lot of tips for how to wangle my own brain. The videos are short (she knows her audience I guess!) and they might help you deal with him a bit better. Best of luck, internet stranger!
erethorma
Billyf1111
Thanks for this. I don't have ADHD but have a spouse and child that are. It can be challenging, but these videos are great. I feel like they help me understand, and they might help them cope as well.
JustFeedMePieDammit
I’m glad you’re finding them helpful!