lolnopethisformyredditstuff
322247
8810
173
by Guan-Hao Pan
DeiInRealLife
I cannot tell you how much laughter this post and the comments brought me...
BeerBatteredandBold
What if its barbed?
JoshuaKeys
We know how OP likes 'em:
v
FYIyouCanHaveExactlySixtythreeCharactersOnUrUsernameLikeThisOne
Ive been looking at this for too long but i cant believe that this was filmed in two parts.
lolnopethisformyredditstuff
( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)
BubbleGutandtheHotSnakes
Where is the string bean?
malapresta
This makes me mildly uncomfortable.
mextexcomenntaco
you ain't gonna sell shit here!
kopiovastaava
Is shrimp a vegetable?
IHopeYoureOffended
TIL I'm a carrot
TheOtherSarah
I like carrots...
HugoatTGI
Now where is jicama?
koed00
TIL I can use my cock for scale
notaballoon
It goes all the way from cucumber to big cucumber
TheMershedPerderder
But would it count as a serving of fruits and veggies?
ashamedson
Or or...I could use a real cucumber as a real condom...your move!
InnocentValley
You'd probably be better off with a banana peel maybe.
TravisBills
That sounds like an awful checkout experience. I will stick with regular packaged condoms.
itsoppositeday
I love it when cashiers can visualize the exact girth of my erect penis.
WhatAWorldWhatAWorld
That seems like a lot of excess packaging.
blitherypoop
Packaging like that makes them more portable. It doesn't tear like the packets do.
xninex
Not seeing the broccoli. I have a lot of bush.
Mirawatts
Shave your shame! SHAME!
Thatguyfromthecarthingie
Same
JSmith90
Can't stop picturing broccoli backwards on someone's crotch
asspickle
ErikMm
omg yes
tanebou
Manscape that shit. No one likes going down on a tumble weed.
millebille
Imagining someone stuffing their bush into the condom.... Uh... uhm... ugh
JSmith90
What's Obamas favorite vegetable?
JSmith90
Barrack-li
MrBoJandles
I immediately thought of it being the other way around. It's funnier to imagine that you have some weird mushroom cloud dick.
LiamNeesonOfficial
Rumor going around at work that a coworker has his dong covered in warts, and I believe it; that dude will raw-dog anything. We call (1/2)
LabyrinthCharm
I did the same. i laughed and then grossed myself out.
LiamNeesonOfficial
(2/2) him "The Beastmaster" and it's pretty sad bc it's made him homeless. He's even porked a 70yo that allegedly robbed him and a no teeth.
pickledpaws
But is it on the correct side of your shaft?
sandiegosd
omg no
ophirwaasdorp
mech999man
It's all on the left.
pickledpaws
You're lucky, mine is only on the tip.
DatAssterisk
Oh jesus.
sorrycharlie
Make sure you check for a leek...alright goodnight
MundaneFacts
It's that what the white one was?
anchiceratops
http://media.giphy.com/media/5hzLCeSejUC52/giphy.gif
MathMaster
Please tell me these are flavored. :)
kanihaznaiph
As a girl I immediately thought "Mmm...banana!" ...I don't even like banana flavored things!!!
MathMaster
:-)
InnocentValley
Ewwh radish flavoured condoms. Or whatever that white thing is, but I know it ain't sweet.
gingerbaconkitty
I mean. I'd prefer vegetable flavored condoms over dick flavored dick lol.
ChainedRosary
Does dick really have a flavor besides just skin? I'd always heard bad stuff about the taste. When I finally tried it I felt I'd been misled
iwearabunnysuitthecleanroomkindnottheplayboykind
Clean dicks taste like skin. Precum tastes like salt, yum.
gingerbaconkitty
I personally hated it. It was salty and sour and bitter and ugh. I also eventually figured out I'm a huge lesbian so maybe it's that lol.
ChainedRosary
That...sounds like the dude didn't wash in a while... ew. But idk maybe people are different. Still could be the huge lesbian part haha
diewithme
One Of my biggest fears is to sleep with a guy with a big ego and The condom wil go inside my ladyparts and make a nest and never come out
SpaceTaco22
This sort of happened to my friend. While fingering her, the bf pulled out a used condom from the night before. From another guy.
yak3ftw
Is it fingering or cave exploring at that point?
NUUUDEL
It happened to me but it was about 10 inches deep. Didn't feel it until it slide down to around 5
SumoAnnie
nope
diewithme
I am terrified!
CanadianMooseRider
I dont believe you. Girls would feel it. Source: Friends who have had it happen to them
NUUUDEL
It's happened to me before and I didn't feel it. It was REALLY far up there though.
FlyingNimbus
Me too!
FlyingNimbus
Believe it. Happened to me. Source: Me.
CanadianMooseRider
out of every girl who has had a condom break and get stuck in there. They all feel it and the discomfort.
FlyingNimbus
Again, it happened to me. I had no idea. It got pushed up there I guess. Fell out the next day and I was like Wtf?!
gorillaClutch
I can honestly say i've never held a vegetable up to my dick for comparison... guess now i'll have to
CaptainBruceSea
You've never lived!
Livlalala
Careful with your choice of market
betamale
https://xkcd.com/236/
TheErked1
Same. But you've held your dick in your hand before. You'll know as soon as you've got the correct size in your hand
DerKommisar
But hey nobody will suspect a thing if you come to the checkout with a banana, cucumber, and carrot...unless they know about these.
UnpopularOpinionPuffinPersonified
Why buy them when you can just test it out in the produce section?
BronzeOnion
Haha that's what I was thinking. Like how do I know if I'm a radish or cucumber. Guess I'm heading to the grocery store.
isitsupposedtodothat
Let us know when you have a result!
jmeyers1983
Start with Brussels sprouts.
Arrrrgggggghhhh
Well that makes one of us...
gorillaClutch
And now i'm in my kitchen with no pants on eyeing the vegetable tray of the fridge.... thanks internet
fifidarlingf
Tell us what it compares to!
comaWill
TIL I have a carrot in my pants
Adiktedgottaregisternow
Well, if you can get it hard and know how to use it, you'll do fine.
CarlTheLlamaBoy
What if I can't get it hard but can helicopter it like a boss because it's so long and floppy?
Gradwin
Adiktedgottaregisternow
Hum....at least it's....entertaining ?
legessi
Most people are right around carrot sized, so no worries.
celedream
Most? Uhhhh
pmaguire13
I'm somewhere inbetween a carrot and a banana... I think
TheJerkWithaMouth
What if I'm bell pepper girth, but mushroom length?
celedream
Damn son, then smash is literally the only way you can do it.
legessi
From articles I've read, women prefer girth to length, so go you
fuck123456789
any cucumbers out there wanna hit me up?
INDIG0M0NKEY
You rang
MrMarmalade88
Fitting comment for the size! Lol
Goodnewwseveryone
Are... Are you a girl tho?
fuck123456789
nope
Faulknerd
Let's play the game, brave or foolish?
fuck123456789
brave
iDrinkDrano
I got the girth and good length. Sup?
Sithrak
Wife says I'm not allowed.
TheOtherSarah
I'm actually partial to the carrot myself.
Yrmsteak
For real-real or for play-play?
AMooPointIsACowsOpinion
Large cucumber for me too, please
asexypooh
LOL.. Awesome comment. If you don't ask you'll never know!
Phagocyte
Hello
Venomthemad
No baby carrots...well this was a let down.
nightmarerunner
( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)
MrFox88
Enjoy the ride
FakePlasticTreehugger
But I guess there's someone with the girth of a sweet potato.
TechnicolorCheeseWedge
I think that's a carrot.
GivePuddingToYourEnemies
It's not the penis on the outside that counts, it's the penis on the inside.
Emjayen
Sponge-matter and 3 flesh tubes?
grantavius
Baby carrots are just a regular carrot cut in half.
TheMrBadger
Would you prefer tic-tacs?
earthbender
dammit...comment stolen again! +1
Discoikungshamn
Just cut off the top and it'll fit
soph1992
This sums up my relationship with my ex. And I'm not exaggerating. At all.
punsnotguns
No babies is kind of the point, right?
NRubric
I hope you know, how baby carrots are made!
kutison
I was hoping this comment was from Ih8myPP
MrPredator
Yea... I'm not seeing the single peas either.
DoctorWest
No eggplant? Asking for a friend....
PriestAmongstThePlague
i was hoping for baby corn because im ribed for her minimal pleasure.
kittybuttwiggle
Wait until you find out how baby carrots are made.
PrisonMichaelScott
No string bean reference either!
superbest
Something tells me this isn't the first little let down in you life
jbaranski
they're called finger cots ;)
gmoney88
So...cucumber and a pack of rubber bands it is
Sleepsintrees
My first sensible chuckle all day. Bravo!
PettyOfficer2ndClass034
Ribbed for her pleasure.
DoctorDelta
Ewwwwwww
ElegantKitty
I like baby carrots. ;3
theinvaderzim
welp, I'm sorry I wasted your time
ElegantKitty
Meow!
theinvaderzim
Woof
FrellingFarbot
ElegantKitty
Oh hi. ;3
FrellingFarbot
I'm the baby carrot master. If you know what im sayin'. ;>
ElegantKitty
Oh yeah? ;3
paradoxicdomino
If you also like being disappointed in 47 seconds.... Hi!
ElegantKitty
Hi!
paradoxicdomino
{fuck... a response. Now what?!} 'sup?
ElegantKitty
Not much. Should try to sleep, but can't seem to. You?
TensionFortissimo
I have just the thing for this!
ImNotGreenLantern
Is there one kinda shaped like a mushroom? Asking for a friend.
AntiChristian
That "asking for a friend" is hilarious!
NotSoSmartAlek
theDemongod
...you should probably get that looked at.
shrubtim
I AM A BANANA!!!
pearlypearll
I like Bananas. They're the best size
Shamalamadingdongz
Was gonna say the same thing lol
imasnorlaxIRL
You can now use your dick for scale. Congrats!
celtysturluson
I am the queen of France
earthbender
I think it's supposed to be girth/length, you're matching, not color.
EXNihiloNihilFit
I'm a scale too!
FrellingFarbot
THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BOOT!
MargaretThatcher
http://gif-finder.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Minions-Banana.gif
InboxMeYourOwls
Psst!....these guys have no idea what we're talking about!!!
InnerMachinationsOfMyMindAreAnEnigma
oh the memories
VolcanicAshley
I say this more frequently than I should.
CatBlaster5000
GO BANANA!!!
Feenfurn
Uh Oh BANANA TIME!!
Captainpoopypants
Rejected updot nr2
geiokami
Hello
BananaForScaIe
No, I am.
rugrugrug
They're in the Amazon.
AngelRick
I'd say banana as well... Not entirely sure. Depends how big the hand is.
AngelRick
I lied, it's a turnip apparently.
NormanReedusLooksLikeHeWouldBeGoodInBed
are you single?!?!
TonyStarkTheKingOfTheNorth
PREPARE YOUR INBOX!!!
Supanini
Yeah you probably couldn't handle my cucumber anyways
ItsMorphinTimeIdiot
I'm a banana as well and I'm single if that helps
ceandros
Single bananas unite!
Jabb4theHUTT
Why isn't this top comment?
TheBrickumentarian
Would you like to go see a movie?
Angatita
I'm feeling fat.. and sassy!
Marenthe
I am a consumer whore!
SciencemasterofGinaz
And how!
heartinlandslide
I am the queen of France!
InboxMeYourOwls
Mah spoon is too big...
CharmingAndSexyGentlemanStarshipCaptain
- Said Shaquile O'neal's wife
SpoonOfDoom
I'm sorry?
BiggestSpoon
I'll take this one.
SpoonOfDoom
Oh, you always think you're SO great just because you're bigger, huh? Well DAD STILL LET ME COMMAND THE LEGIONS OF HELL, NOT YOU!
rudejohn
Reference for those who don't get it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuOvqeABHvQ
celedream
Thank you.
pmaguire13
I get it because it's a prop hunt taunt, but stil leaving this here to watch later
jordanschlansky
LOOK AT ME MOVE!!!
theinvaderzim
this
EtTuDude
YEAYEA
cbjfan
YEAH YEAH
CopenhagenKid
My anus is bleeding!!!
IDrinkTeaInBritish
My spoon is too big....
roguechikken
YAAAAAAYYYYYYY!
RogerDurder
For the love of God, and all that is holy....
ALovelyBloke
Clearly the banana was too much.
CharmingAndSexyGentlemanStarshipCaptain
That's what he/she said!
FFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK
You are finally a woman!
WhiteyHead
What is the white one?
drunkninjasmurf
Radish ... i think.
AlceCosmico
Parsnip
emilioooooo
At first I thought it was a turnip, glad I googled it. Shit is bulbous.
NUUUDEL
oh god me too. I sent this to my bf saying "you're a tunip!"
fluffywarthog
I've never found a daikon radish in America smaller than my forearm. Really hoping they're smaller elsewhere.
fluffywarthog
I go to make some homemade pho broth, look for *just* a few oz of daikon for flavor, and the smallest I've gotten is a veggie dachshund.
MethGasolinePissLemonade
No kidding. I work in produce, the ones we get are freaking huge.
mrpickles86
Bonus free tube the same size as your junk if you run out of condoms and gf won't put out w/o one
subject626
Thaaats not how it works...
douevenlurkbro
Free flesh light with every purchase!
thesarahpowellexperience
Blend up so real banana, microwave it slightly, pour in the tube and you're set.
SpoonOfDoom
And you even have a nice dessert for when you're done!
NoodleTubes
Nice a creamy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Shamorza
FREE AND TIGHT!
TotallyOriginalName
And dryer than a nun in a desert.
TheresAlwaysTimeForLubricant
But wait, there's lube!
ShowMeYourButtonhole
This gives new meaning to "banana for scale".
daiconrad
Was looking for this comment. Was not disappointed.
diesistmeinewassermelone
This should have more upvotes
rhimceen
But you could always use a banana for scale.
phiandpiexplaineverything
this needs to be top comment
InnocentValley
Oh no it doesn't. I'm pretty sure this meaning has existed long before it excisted for anything else.
SederHishtalshelus
Yup
Lonestar8808
Exactly. It was the "de facto" unit of measurement for penile length, girth and curvature for many generations of boys.
ShowMeYourButtonhole
It was? Because I always just compared mine to a tuna can.
InnocentValley
Boy you must have one girthy dick. Also rather short I imagine.
oneofthecalled
A chode!