Why is this my responsibility?

bunnyrut

73774

1383

I know my niece. She is young and irresponsible and was already kicked out of multiple places because she was going out partying instead of taking care of her kids.

And I think once she is free of the kids she won't come to get them. And if she does come she will continue to go out every night. And my mom won't do anything but enable her like she did with my sister when she pawned my niece and her other kids on my mom.

And if I drive them down I will be the only one capable of taking care of them and I don't want that responsibility. I don't want to spend the time visiting my ill mother taking care of babies. My mom thinks everyone will be helping. My other niece is still young and won't want to do this after a few days, I'm sure of that. She's gotten angry and ran off for days for less.

They think child services will take the babies of they aren't taken today. I don't think this is a bad thing because no one in my family has shown they can raise kids. And if she can't handle it she shouldn't have them. Fuck this "god will provide" mentality. It's not god providing, it's those of us who aren't struggling being guilted into helping.

I know this makes me seem like an evil or heartless person, but I don't have my own kids for a reason and don't believe anyone when they say I won't have to do anything once I drive them where they need to go. That's a blatant lie and I know it. My entire "vacation" will be taking care of twins.

I had plans to come down and visit all of my family and spend time seeing people I haven't seen since the pandemic started. Not be a surrogate mom because their real mom might abandon them.

I offered an alternate plan. But now I know everyone is angry because I put my foot down and set a boundary instead of letting them use me like they do everyone else.

Love me or hate me, I don't care. But don't volunteer to "help" someone when you plan to push the work on other people and expect them to do what you can't.

Edit: thanks for the support and making me feel like I am not a bad person. I ended up driving alone and sending my niece home with her babies. We can work out helping her out when I know she's actually coming. But until then I'm not stressing over it.

olivertheoctopus

It’s not your responsibility and you don’t need to apologize for setting a boundary. You’re doing the right thing for you and there’s no shame in that, regardless of how others may feel

3 years ago |

4554073

Sorry for your upcoming car trouble. Battery? Flat tire? Locked your keys in the car?

RainOubliette

Not your job to raise someone else’s kids. Not even if they’re your grandkids. You’re doing the right thing. A good dose of therapy might help everyone involved. I live away from my family who are like this for a reason.

greyghost714

I'm very stubborn about letting other people's stupidity force me into things. I'll bend over backwards to help a friend or family, but not if all they do is make mistakes and expect others to get them out of it. People have to learn hard lessons. If we always get a pass and never face consequences, it's easy to keep making the same mistakes

Schaade

DON'T do this to your mother. If you do this neither she nor the twins will get the care they need, and having accepted the job you will 1/

2/ be responsible. Don't let other family do it either. When it's too much for them they will dump them on your mother anyway.

WafflesOfMassDeliciousness

With family like that, you’re better off cutting ties and walking away forever. Your mental health will improve drastically in the future.

Yupurineutah

Show her this. And put your foot down. Say "absolutely not!!" She's lying. You're right. But did she want the pregnancy in the first place, but was talked out of an abortion by someone?

I think she wanted the pregnancy, especially when she found out it was twins. And she underestimated how much of her current life style she would give up.

nanyatenyaa

The kids deserve something more stable, you sound like you're a thoughtful person, you'll make a sound decision, whatever it is, that will suit yourself and the kids needs.

VosperOfAntarctica

Boundaries won't make you popular, but they can save your life in the long run

nobletrex

Not your monkey, not your circus.

peppymints

Cps has two routes. These kiddos and mom could benefit from the services they provide if it’s more of an issue of poverty/lack of education. If not, they can protect those kiddos from permanent damage even if things get rough for a while.

OkButWhyWereTheyFilming

Where is your brother/sister? Why are your niece's children your responsibility?

Sister is basically homeless and rumored to be on drugs... Again. Oh, and she had lost custody of all her kids a while back so she's not the best person to help.

beeeeeeerkaaaaa

DumpingSh1tandBeingKind2

You're 100% right! There's nothing wrong with having boundaries, and anyway it sounds like you'd be taking them from pan into the fire if there is no one who can mind them in your mums, so social services would be involved anyway. Personally I think ss are the absolute last resort, but I think that's where your niece is at at this point. You said yourself, you have chosen not to have kids, so minding someone elses in this scenario would only make you resentful, which is no good for anyone 🤷

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AntaNce

Thise babies are in danger. call CPS for their sake, pls

UnicornsToxicRainbowFart

It's there any extended family or friends willing to take them in? Any supportive communities any of you belong to? I think you're making the right choice, keep your foot down. This is a sucky situation, and I'm sorry you are there one to have to be the adult as it's all unfolding.

A cousin did briefly and then said to leave. They couldn't deal with having the babies and the mom never there. She's basically lost all support where she is because of this.

BuickRiviera

Let CPS take the kids then. Either she'll straighten out to get them back or maybe they'll get lucky and get placed somewhere healthy.

That was what I said aloud to my husband. They don't keep you from your kids, but they expect you to get your shit together before you get them back. So having them removed would actually be beneficial to her. Because it will show if she actually wants them...

LateNightBunnyParty

As a mom, this does NOT make you seem like an evil or heartless person. Rather, you sound like the only responsible one in your family. Call CPS. I had to call on my sister once. It sucks, but those kids deserve better.

resworn

Don't do it, call CPS. I know it's scary but as someone who was a child in a situation where CPS shouldn't been called, it's all I ever wished my entire life. It's not your responsibility.

HorrorMango

Would your niece be open to putting them up for adoption? Would the family be ok with that? It could be an open adoption wherein fam can still visit. I ask because might not take them immediately, and your niece may object to cps and take them back (and then they get taken again when she screws up again etc). At least through adoption they would have a permanent home, with people who'd want them. And the niece gets freedom with a chance of seeing her kids if she grows up.

MadSam1

It’s better to do this when they’re still babies. Unfortunately, people will line up around the block if they’re under 2, but the older they get the less likely.

I brought this up. And everyone got silent. No one wants to acknowledge that this is an option. I said I think it's the best thing for the babies to have a better life than any of us ever had.

There is so much stigma surrounding adoption. For the parents they may feel they have failed. For the child, they were unworthy. None of which can be true. It can be finding a way, in an impossible situation, while being an act of love. I have a great uncle out there, who was adopted out because he was out of wedlock and it was a closed adoption in the 1950's. My grandpa was an adoptee to two very closeted 'spinster' ladies who loved him very much. My point is you could be right. 1/

If you choose adoption, go with the open kind. And do your research about adoption laws in your state for everyone's protection. I don't know the lady, I won't tell you what to do. But really pro/con it with her, it's a huge choice, but it can be a viable one.

sneakypoo

Not your responsibility, you don't need to feel bad about it. If you feel the kids are in danger, get child services on the case. Tough love

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distraingotnobrakes

Consider that everyone and everything happened so that this women has kids she’ll abandon to some large extent. Perhaps it is in the kids best interests to be away from this Mom ASAp.

ThrowAwayAcct0000

I have one sister who has had her son taken away because she neglected him. It was the right call. I have another sister who has been to prison (opiods, I think), and her two kids are now living with their father (it took about 8 years of my mother raising them while he got his act together). Kids should definitely NOT be with a parent that doesn't want them.

Ilikestyx

Not your problem in the least - child services sounds like the way to go if family can't take the kids in. What a horrible person your niece is... maybe try to get her some mental health treatment, clearly needs it.

meganical

The niece is not an accountable person so therapy would be wasted on her. She doesn’t think she needs to change because it’s all worked out for her so far

GrumpyOldMan55

People think just because it's "family" they should be able to walk all over you. Fuck that.

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DaveDreamsOfDumplings

The kids are family, too.

OhIfIMust

Nope. "Family" means they treat you *better*, not that you have to put up with their BS.

TheWombatStrikesAgain

Well, you are THEIR family too, so if they truly cared about family, they wouldn't do such things to you. If they don't, you don't.

IdiotSavantTinker

"Why is this my responsibility?" Is exactly the right thing to ask. Amd the answer is not "Because you're able" or "because you have more money". This person produced children, with all the services and technology we have to prevent that. She has to take care of them, not you or your mom.

Its not about the mom of the kids at all, or using them as punishment for her reckless behavior. Its not about responsibility, duty, things like that. Its about doing what's best for the children, and what's best for those kids is being away from that parent.

Kids should not be where they are not wanted-- call social services.

sfrinlan

It would also be one thing if the niece was doing her best and was politely requesting a little help. It's another thing to take advantage of people and foist your responsibilities on them.

This is true. There is a difference between "I need help" and "I need help that will alter the lives of people who help me, and I need it again next week."

Jennandjuice17

It heartless. My sister did the same thing to my disabled mom (only 1 kid, though). She called CPS and they picked him up. His foster parents adopted him and he has a great life.

*not heartless

Shaows

Call CPS if you think your sister is going to abandon them. It sucks emotionally, but it's better than them being neglected.

1007

nickelrocket

Hope yer not in texas.

Sorry, meant niece not sister.

150

FancyAmsterdammerrrr

Illiasa

This is the correct response

atomfixes101

I feel like most of the folks who encourage kids going to cps,have no clue what it’s like being in cps custody. And yes, I wish the best for the kids, that includes cutting out every “relative” who let them be put in cps custody

Ruik

Don't want them to get Casey Anthony'ed.

DeeDoubleYu

Yeah I feel like the middle ground here is being there for the kids, but letting CPS take the brunt of it. Open communication with them to ensure the kids QOL is decent, keep an eye on their education etc. without having to house them/feed them. From the limited info here that seems like an okay option to me.

Audasity

yes, because theres a LOT of REALLY BAD foster parents in the system.

FuryFuryMon

Although I do think that if he does refuse to participate calling CPS is the "responsible" thing to do in the situation to make sure the kids arent just abandoned.

Theres being a caring person and theres devils advocate the opposite side. Its not his responsibility to deal with someone elses kids because SHE got pregnant and decided to keep her kids. If he decided to stay away from children becuase of the massive responsibilities that comes with having children, hes not obligated in any way shape or form to help share the burden because she cant raise her kids. Hes saying he WILL be socially forced to becuase hes responsible, hes saying not my problem cya

Pervaroo

What a rough spot. It's understandable that you want to prevent the train wreck you can see coming, but it sucks that people are getting angry at you for trying to stop it. At the very least, don't be the enabler here. Stick to your guns.

196

This is basically what my husband said.

MrStealUrMeme

I'm sure you already know this.. You and your husband have a responsibility to each other as well. Don't do something that would put to much stress on your marriage and risk your future happiness, just to please others who have no problem putting thier burdens on you.

DJudy

I have never been in a situation exactly like this but I have been in a situation where I KNOW I'm right but everyone around me thinks I'm wrong. All I can say is be confident and stick with it. They will see it on their own or won't and in that case, fuck em'!

Right! Making the right decision doesn't mean your always going to feel good afterwards. However, long term you probably wont be living with regret in the future for that decision because you knew you stuck with your morals and did what you beleived was right.

My husband has been calming me by reminding me that no one in my family has ever been there to support me with anything because they were always the ones that needed help. So if they get mad nothing is lost.

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